When they discontinued that lip color, it was life preparing you.
When the holiday edition came and went another reminder.
When the chef’s talent in summer so extraordinary that you had a pulse of panic that the fall menu couldn’t compare to the fresh tastes of summer you were learning.
When your last baby walked. A hard lesson.
When your little girl’s favorite cowboy boots no longer fit, you prepared for it.
When that tween, turned into a bright young man before your eyes the lessons start to take.
You had 18 summers to fill.
Life is changing rapidly like a river.
It was like an athlete’s training a breakdown of muscles to make you strong.
Winter was coming. And you didn’t even know. She would dance everywhere like a gypsy mama. She would break your heart and believe in you all at the same time. And the truth is I miss her.
Like I miss perfect days gone by.
The ones that gloss in your memory and you don’t remember the sweat of the sun just the warmth on your skin.
And it’s the first Christmas without a gift I hardly like. And I miss that too.
Damn I miss her like a snorkeling diver misses swimming weightless in the salty sea. I was awkward at snorkeling. My brother once saved me from swimming directly out to sea. I remember choking on sea water choking for air. I’m there again not knowing the real weight of my own heart’s mass. I want to stay in her world but I can’t. Can’t breathe there. We don’t live in the deep seas of grief. I must adapt. I must change with the calendar year. 2015 you were bitter sweet. You gave me so many wonderful days and new truths to life.
For example I JUST don’t mind, so much anymore. I am better at liking people.
Heck I’m better at loving people. It started with my family. I’m not so important that I matter more than them. I realize more now it’s either selfishness or love. No middle ground.
I know the wise mums “balance” it all so well. And as a mom I don’t run myself into the ground. I get that. What I didn’t get was how damn short the days really are. How few opportunities we are given.
They, 3 sons and 1 daughter are my life. I wish I had known how building a family wouldn’t just be nice it would be life! A life rounded with all of it the surges of frustration and the belly aching laughter. The gift is who travels with you. Those faces. Their struggles and joys. And mostly I’m grateful to Christ for teaching me preparing me, the most valuable lesson yet. He counter balances all those gut wrenching lessons. He is teaching me that eternal life is long and family is forever. Year end tidings of comfort and joy welcome my heavy heart home. Christ is my heart’s home in a world ever changing. A family ever changing. He demonstrates death is not final and life/yes love is all. Live well and love well.
Happy New Year.
