I never thought it possible the way I could crave someone. It’s like a hunger and I wonder if it’s ever satisfied? How could it when all my dreams are invaded like the beaches of Normandy?
Continuous thoughts washing in upon the tide no matter whether I want them or not. They come.
I often recall the way he described love to me.
He was young, about twenty, handsome and foreign. I was thirty and had just finished praying for those who had stayed late. It was in the last embers of a gathering. I recall praying over the dying with cancer, having given away yet another ring, quietly placed on the finger of a young girl who would not live to ever wed. My heart was raw with love for others.
He described a stunningly beautiful woman in his Romanian accent. The kind of beauty in whose presence one almost cannot breathe. The sort you would do anything for, weakened by the need of her recognition. Yes the type of girl you would offer your entire life to love.
He described purchasing an unaffordable car to impress her. The longing to offer her a ride. Anything required attempted.
The hunger he described to be alone with her. Close, not touching, yet somehow restraining the magnetic pull of her presence.
Where is this wild, holy love? He is sick with love I thought. The way he spoke of her caused me to wonder how long it has been since I have heard a young man speak of loving like this… It reminded me of Jared’s letters when we were apart- page after page of a lover’s confession, bold unashamed.
The conversation went on as he described her beauty in detail. He was possessed with love. Then he stopped and looked me directly in the eyes and said, “This is the way He loves you.”
How the conversation turned! She wasn’t real. It was all a type of allegory. He wasn’t in love? She was me?
Caught off guard I stumbled within myself. God is love came to mind as I was pinging his words against scripture searching for truth. Could God love like this?
Not sexual, but a lover’s love, a hunger for someone you can’t shake or escape nor would you ever want to. Nothing is ever so alive as a soul in love.
I read recently somewhere about prayer, “We must stop praying like petitioners- and start praying like lovers.” Lovers are unsatisfied until they are one and there is ever a plea in their bones- “Come home to me.”
When men are exhorted to love, bishops, reverends, and priests refer to Christ. Christ lived to concretize (give specific or definite form to) love ultimately to the point of death. “Christ loved us and gave himself up for us” (Eph 5:2); “The love of Christ surpasses knowledge” (Eph 3:18-19); “Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.” (Eph 5:25)
How precious also are your thoughts to me O God! How vast is the sum of them! (Ps. 139:17)